Learning self love and acceptance
Apr 8, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Kg8Vun2cBA

[Music]
good morning and welcome I am on my way
to counseling
so I figured as I you know everywhere I
figure that it would be a perfect time
to come on check in with you guys say
that I'm back and I'm feeling so
refreshed and good and much-needed time
down for the weekend let's just say that
it was needed it was really needed for
my own family time me time kid time
husband time I got it all in and it felt
wonderful
it really did so yeah and it gave me a
little bit of time to sit and you know
think about my channel where I'm kind of
headed in that aspect of what I'm where
I want to see my channel go
I know that the beginning of my journey
well the beginning of my youtube career
I started out as doing shopping hauls
what woman OH
River some woman I guess that don't like
shopping
and I'm in that love shopping I guess I
can't say that but you know who doesn't
like to do a little bit of shopping and
be able to show what you have or what
you got and things like that and you
know and it is fun don't get me wrong it
is fun and I enjoy it but I knew I had
more of a story to tell than just
shopping so on Joe
July 11th 2018 I
took a stamp with myself that that is
the day that I was going to change my
life around I was no longer going to
allow food to be my support I was no
longer going to allow food
to be my coping mechanism when I'm hurt
when I'm upset when I'm anxious when I'm
happy celebrating
I'm no longer going to allow food to
represent Who I am
with that also comes
also comes my choice of sharing my
journey of trauma that I endured during
childhood I endured multiple molestation
la stations I endured a rape
one station rape they're all the same
thing I feel because to me it's taking
advantage of a person that a is not
capable of fighting off the person be
doing something against the person's
will to me I feel like it's all the same
thing and it's all done in a dirty
manner so there isn't one that's better
or worse than the other I think they're
all combined together the same I chose
to share my journey of my father suicide
I chose to share the journey of my
mother being an addict and having a
sibling that I know you know have no
relationship with closing relationships
with family because of my own mental
health
I chose to open up and share a journey
with everybody that was wanting to
listen
to let people know that they're not
alone and that there are many of us out
there that suffer the same things and
that it doesn't take light away from the
person that is suffering or that has
suffered however it gives that person
handhold that maybe they didn't feel
worthy to speak about their abuse and
trauma and things like that trauma can
to me I think trauma can affect people
in so many different ways I think that
people handle trauma in different
manners
I've chosen to use food as my coping
because that was my safe one does it
make me better of a person that I didn't
turn into drugs oh dude don't go don't
go don't go
look argue is gonna run across the
street um does that make me a better
person because I chose to do food rather
than take a drug no because food was my
choice of drug it was what I chose does
it make me a bad person because I chose
to use food as my coping mechanism
rather than dealing with it head-on no
because that's what I was taught to use
everybody has their highs their lows
their strengths and their weaknesses I
was
brought up very sheltered not casting
judgment or shame on the people that
raised me it was what it was but I was a
very sheltered person I grew up with no
friends my family was my friends you
could say that was maybe a good thing in
a lot of senses I avoided heartbreak
from having multiple boyfriends because
they never had a boyfriend I didn't have
a boyfriend until I was 27 my true
relationship which is the man I'm
married to today I have struggled the
past couple of months to find where I
want to go in my mind why I say that is
because it's not that I struggle because
I don't know where I want to be with my
channel but I struggle because I think
in life I have grown up because I was
bounced from foster home to foster home
to foster home to foster home every
foster home I had to mold myself into
that foster home in that foster family
when I say foster family and foster home
I was I was a ward of the state but I
was at least able to stay within family
however a lot of this family that I was
placed with I really don't have I didn't
know who they were they knew who I was
but I did not know them I didn't have a
relationship with them or nothing like
that
so it still was kind of that strange
refilling because I didn't know who they
were
but no matter if it's a close family
member your closest family member when
you are placed in care of somebody you
have to mold yourself to that family as
a child you really have to mold yourself
to that family you have to learn their
roles their lifestyle the way they live
if they've got children you've got to
learn their routines because that's
going to be your routine there
you have to make yourself into that
family so therefore I molded myself 11
different times 11 different times I
molded myself to fit in with every
person that I lived with
every home that I went to I felt the
need to have to call that parent a mom
dad I had to label them immediately
because that was the one true thing that
I held on to that made me feel a part or
that I was yeah that I was a part of
their family if I called mom dad sisters
brothers on and on and on so as I've
grown up and have become an adult I find
myself still do that a lot with people
and it doesn't matter it could be a
stranger as far as I care
I will mold myself to what that person
thinks of me or their beliefs their
philosophies I will move myself to
accept what they believe is the right
thing or what they say is the right
thing because if I don't then I'm not
going to be accepted so I found myself
molding myself in multiple different
molds throughout the time that I've been
on my channel because I've wanted to
make everybody so happy with me I wanted
to be a success story I wanted people to
love me for what for what I'm putting
out there but I also wanted to be
accepted by everybody and I know that
that's not that's not possible
I I'm not going to be able to mold
myself to all the people that watch me
and I have to understand that sometimes
I'm gonna take I'm gonna take an action
that's not going to make everybody happy
sometimes I'm gonna make a decision
that's not gonna make everybody happy
sometimes I might use some a word or a
phrase or I might say something that
everybody's not gonna agree with and
I've had to accept that over the weekend
I literally would kill myself trying so
hard to literally mold myself into so
many different people's molds and at the
end of the day when I come back at it I
failed because not everybody is going to
accept or think what I'm doing is okay
but as long as in my heart I believe
that I am doing okay and I believe in my
heart that I am on the right track
for once I should be accepted of just
that I should be able to accept that Amy
is proud of where she's at Amy knows
that she's on the right track because
I'm molding my own story and I'm not
molding myself into everybody else's
story that doesn't mean that when
somebody suggests things or you know has
an opinion that they want to share it
doesn't mean that oh I never have taken
those opinions and put them into my life
because boy they sounded like a really
good opinion or whatever no I'm not
saying that but what I'm saying is what
I'm trying to mold myself into
lifestyles that aren't what I live for
aren't what I do or maybe I'm not at
that that point in my life yet I'm still
a work in progress I just started this
two years ago of really working on the
trauma that happened to me as a child
and as I grow up it wasn't just child it
was adult as well I just started I'm
just a baby I am just trying to find my
feet and see where my feet land in this
world
and I really had to take a step back
over the weekend and really find my
ground find myself because at the end of
the day it's the stories about me it's
not about my children
it's not about my husband it's not about
my friends it's about me and that's
where I've had to find myself again this
weekend I had to find myself and that
was really hard
it was so hard not to put videos up on
Saturday and Sunday because this is my
passion I love doing this but I had to
find a me because I was lost and I I was
literally lost and I couldn't find I
couldn't find myself out of it
over the weekend I I've really done a
lot of mind searching and what I again
what I want to do with this channel and
you know because this is a journey this
is this is everything right now that I'm
going through you know I've read it and
I've heard you know comments and things
about you know how amazing my crafting
is and stuff but that's not what
everybody is you know wanting to hear
and and things like that and I get it
I really do I get it and I appreciate
everybody's input because like I've said
this before and I'm going to say it
again this channel just isn't about me
but this journey is about me
so people putting their opinion in or
their suggestions and it's like I said
not that I'm not going to take them but
if I don't take them or I don't put them
in the channel it doesn't mean that I
did not accept what you were saying but
maybe it's just not what's gonna work
for this channel
at that time but ultimately the end of
the day this is the story of Amy and
what Amy is going through and what amy
has gone through and where I'm at and
where I want to be and where I'm gonna
get to along with my journey of course
I'm talking about my weight loss I
haven't talked about it very much lately
I think again because I've been I've
been trying to mold myself into so many
different things that I kind of lost
sight of where my journey was at and
where I was going with it and I want to
get back to that I want to get back to
being able to share with you guys my
weight loss share with you guys when I'm
out in therapy sure with you guys my UPS
my downs my goods my dad's and
everything in between
and trust that when I'm sharing these
stories that my stories are going to
people that truly truly truly need to
hear them I think everybody for
subscribing to my channel and truly
embracing this journey with me and
knowing that embracing a journey is
never easy
a journey is not something when you say
a journey you mean a journey a traveling
journey it's kind of like a time time
change you know or where you go back in
time and you know I've really had to
step back in time and see some ugly
things that I have covered up and buried
for so long and sometimes I think a few
months ago you know it really opened up
the doors to my mom stations and stuff
and I think that that's kind of when I
was started spiraling a little bit and I
think I haven't come back from that I
think I'm stuck in that spa
and that was one thing over the weekend
that I really I think I've I've seen it
now and I know so I've got to get out of
that but I think all of my supporters I
think all the ones that are in this with
me and want to see the success want to
hear the story and I thank you for that
I thank you for giving me a platform
that I'm able to share my story because
I think my story is worth telling I
think that my story is worth people
hearing because I know that there's many
people out there that suffer as much as
I do and some probably more but we're
not alone and that's the biggest thing
is knowing that you're not alone and
that you've got so many people around
you just like I have so many people
around me but I got caught up in other
things that I didn't see that but over
the weekend and stepping back and seeing
the whole picture I see that I have a
lot of support and I appreciate that so
much I want to think individually all of
my new subscribers I thank you for
taking the time to subscribe to my
channel and taking the time to invest
your life and your heart into my journey
and I promise not to let anybody down I
promise to share my journey just as
truthful as I can
I thank you for being there on the days
that I didn't feel like I could even
lift my head off the pillow I thank you
for being there for the days where I get
on and I am just the happiest clam ever
because life is so good that's what a
true supporter is somebody's that that's
there for you when you're the lowest and
when you're at the highest because
that's what a journey is about I am
gonna go and head into my counseling
session here in five minutes so I just
wanted to give you guys a welcome I'm
back video and we're gonna get back on
track we're gonna do this and I'm not
gonna do my reading today just because
I'm in my car and I don't have my book
but we will get back to all of that
because that's something that I enjoy
and the affirmations that I've been
reading over the weekend have just been
amazing so we will definitely get back
to all of that and get back on to a
great schedule I'm not really sure where
my schedule is gonna head I'm really
debating on you know kind of taking my
two days of the weekend off and that way
that gives me time to kind of settle in
with myself and have family time and be
present with my family as much as I can
as well so I'm not really sure and I'm
not you know this isn't it's a we're
just gonna take it and see where we go
with it but again I just want to thank
everybody everybody that watches my
videos I appreciate you for taking the
time to even watch and listen and share
what you see in here but I will be back
tomorrow morning and I hope you guys
have a blessed wonderful Monday and I
will see you soon talk to you later
